The Hot Girls Club
by COOKIECHEESEMAN
Summary: At a secret meeting where the boys talk about the hot girls in the army, only one name appears to be on Chrom's mind: Tharja. And it's causing the dark mage secretly listening in to seriously question her affection for Robin, who can't stand her. TharjaxChrom, with Robin as Tharja's original love interest, and Gaius as the mediator of the meeting. Only rated M for naughty dialogue.


Author's Notes

What? An M rated fic from the COOKIECHEESEMAN?! How could this be? Well, before you unzip your pants, it's only rated M for naughty dialogue that I felt was too much for a T rating. It's not really _that_ bad, but I'd rather be safe than sorry regarding ratings. I'll give the story behind this fic in the author's notes at the end of the chapter.

Before we start, a few things you have to understand about the canon of this fic: 1. Everybody is recruited into the army, including the six special characters and all of the children characters. 2. There is no war or anything bad of any sort happening. Everyone's just chilling at the Ylissian castle. 3. Absolutely no one is married yet, and even though the children characters all came from the future, they simply did it for fun, not because of a grim future. However, they don't have any recollection on who their father is, once again considering the fact that everyone is single in the current timeline. 4. Emmeryn is perfectly fine. Like I said, this is a future where nothing bad happened. 5. Despite the fact that there is nothing going on, Ylissians and Plegians still hate each other.

That should be everything! Just a reminder that there will certainly be a bit of OOCness from people, but considering the content and tone of the fic, I don't think it's very much. Enjoy!

* * *

The Hot Girls Club

"So the first meeting of The Hot Girls Club shall now commence! Before we do anything though, I'll start role call. Chrom and Bubbles present?"

"We're both here," Robin replies, still somewhat annoyed at Gaius' nickname that he gave to the tactician.

"Perfect. Virion, Vaike, Kellam?"

"All here, though Kellam is a bit hard to spot I'm afraid."

"No probs. Lon'qu around?"

"…"

"Perfect. And lastly Frederick is serving us drinks and refreshments tonight?"

"Of course. I refuse to get involved with the debauchery you all plan to engage in," the stoic knight answers, and he shakes his head in disapproval. "However, I feel I should supervise to make sure things don't get out of hand."

"It's not debauchery, we're just talkin' ladies," Gaius says, shrugging. "Regardless, we're all here."

In fact, there's one more person hidden away in the shadows that Gaius or the rest of the group didn't account for or notice: a dark mage with an obsession for Robin. Tharja stalks Robin on a regular basis, and while she has no idea why the boys are meeting in a secret room in the castle on a night they're supposed to be holding a strategy meeting, she decides it best to stick around and see what was going on. For Robin's sake, of course.

"I don't even know what is supposed to be happening at this meeting," Chrom whispers to Robin. "I just heard that this was a night strictly for the boys."

"So, who wants to start us off?"

Nobody responds. Frederick decides that now is the best time to go and grab some beers for the table.

"Not a soul, huh? Looks like I'll get the ball rolling." Contemplating what he wants to say, Gaius chews thoughtfully on some sort of chocolate candy. "Hmm…"

He eventually figures out a good opening question: "Well, I'm sure this is on everyone's minds to debate on: Which girl in the army has the best rack?"

Chrom's eyes widen at the question, as do everyone else's. "Wait a second, is this gonna be the subject matter for this entire meeting? That's…"

"Super hot," Gaius finishes for Chrom nonchalantly, and Robin's cheeks redden in embarrassment. "Come on, guys, this is supposed to be fun. I'm sure the girls talk about us all the time, comparing which of us have the best pecs and stuff like that."

"And obviously The Vaike has the best pecs!" Vaike proclaims with pride, leading to most of the male cast rolling their eyes. "I'm down. My vote's for Miriel. She's always wearing those robes, so none of us guys know her true body type. It must be good if she's afraid to show it off!"

"Er, usually it's the opposite intention, but I digress. Every woman is beautiful in their own way!" Virion declares confidently. "However, if we're really talking about these sorts of things, I'd have to say Sully. She may not act like a woman most of the time, but you can certainly _tell_ she' a woman! She's certainly not flat-chested…"

"Cool. Now, let's go in order of seating, clockwise. My answer is Stumbles, or Sumia for those unaware. I can tell her rack's bigger than it looks. Vaike and Virion gave their answers. Next is Kellam, then Lon'qu, then Chrom and lastly Bubbles. Go!"

"I'm not sure if this is the nicest thing to do, but my vote… would be Tiki."

"Nice choice. Her rack's _huge_! Lon'qu?"

"…"

"Um, right. Chrom?"

"Well, my answer would be Tharja."

Tharja, who's been completely silent this whole time while in hiding, widens her eyes in surprise at Chrom's answer. She then smirks to herself; she takes pride in her… assets, and while they are not the largest in the army, they certainly rank in the top five for size. She has on occasion wished for them to be slightly bigger, and while she's played with the idea of hexing herself a larger chest for a day just to see what it's like, she never seemed to get around to it.

Regardless of that, though, Tharja is somewhat outraged at first concerning Gaius' blatant openness of what the boys are planning to do, but she realizes she can gain some juicy info about Robin's likes and dislikes, and perhaps some other useful gossip as well. She deems it best to stay quiet for now.

"Well, I think…" Robin muses, and it takes him a while to come up with an answer. Eventually, his doubts get the better of him. "You're saying this stays strictly with the guys, right?"

"Of course," Gaius smirks, as he secretly writes down everyone else's answers in a hidden notebook. "Go!"

"Okay okay! Cordelia. She may not be as large as the others, but I like them smaller. Is that a problem?"

Tharja wrinkles her nose at her future lover's answers. Cordelia's almost as flat as a board.

 _How can my body be almost the exact opposite of Robin's tastes?_

"It's an interesting perspective picking a girl with a smaller chest, as I would never have thought of it myself… oh, here comes Frederick," Gaius says, and sure enough, Frederick has returned with beers for the whole table, including one for himself which he places on a stand near the door. "Frederick, quick! Best rack in the army!"

Frederick doesn't hesitate to answer. "Oh, that's quite simple really. Obviously I would have to say Lissa. Although she is one of my lieges, there is no better pair to stare at when I'm having a bad day."

"Oh gods…" Chrom groans to himself, and he stares at Frederick in disgust. "That's why you insisted on being Lissa's guard when we were at the Hotrealms!"

"Oh, sorry. Anyway, I'm going to get snacks now."

And without saying anything further, Frederick leaves as if nothing awkward happened. Chrom takes a swig of his beer.

"Anyway, let's move on," Gaius suggests. With a huge grin on his face, he pulls out a sucker and starts eating it seductively. "Which girl would you want to suck you off like a lollipop?"

"What vulgar language!" Virion comments, and he shakes his head. "Be a bit more gentlemanly; we're talking about our dear women here. They work hard to serve this army, so you should show more respect. I know our conversations about them right now are questionable, but at least show a bit more respect."

Gaius simply shrugs. "You can go if you want. You don't have to answer. Anyway, my answer is Severa. She'd totally yell at you at first, but then she'd eventually do it. 'J-just this once!' she'd say, but the end result would be _smooth_." He then chuckles to himself. "But you're right Virion. I'll be more tactful for the rest of the questions. I apologize."

"No harm done. Besides, I myself have an answer as well!" the noble brags, but before he can continue, he's cut off by Gaius.

"Easy there tiger, wait your turn now. Vaike, do you have an opinion?"

Vaike is more than happy to give his answer. "Panne! She's like an animal, so I bet her tongue would feel great!"

"Well, I didn't need to know that, but I like the answer. Go ahead Virion."

"Ahem. I think the clear choice is Maribelle. So refined, and yet I'm sure she would be great!"

"Interesting. Probably best you didn't pick Sully again, she'd probably accidentally rip your lollipop right off from sucking too hard!" Gaius says, and while he laughs at his jokes, a few of the other guys look at their crotches in horror. "Alright then, Kellam, Lon'qu, Chrom, Bubbles, go!"

"Um _…_ maybe Cynthia? She'd probably mess up by doing something clumsy, but it's would be so cute to watch."

"…"

"I'd… have to go Tharja again. She seems like the person who would be enthusiastic if she got into it."

Tharja perks up at hearing her name a second time.

 _He picked me again? That's interesting…_

"I think I'd go with Cordelia again as well. She's perfect at everything, so…"

 _He picked her again?_ Tharja thinks to herself, annoyed at Robin's insistence to want to be with the Pegasus Knight. _It's like Chrom said, I'd be enthusiastic if I was doing it for you…_

 _Wait_ _…_ _like Chrom said? Why does it matter what he said?_

"Say no more, we get the drift," Gaius chuckles, and he makes more secret notes in his notebook. "Next question. Forgive me Virion, but I don't know how I can make this one any more wholesome sounding."

"Don't worry, I understand, concerning our topics of conversation. At least you're making the effort," Virion responds, and he takes a small sip of his beer.

"No probs. So, we already discussed the best racks in the army. Now, we're taking the next step: who's rack would you like wrapped around your lollipop? Bubbles will have to change his answer due to Cordelia's chest being too small to work with, but everyone else has the right to choose a different girl too if they wish. My answer is Maribelle. A noblewoman like her doing something so naughty… I love it!"

"Hey! That's my answer too!" Vaike responds very quickly. He seems a little annoyed that he wasn't the first one to think of Maribelle. "That's no fair!"

"Why not? That just means great minds think alike. Anyway, everyone else give their answers now."

Virion knows what his answer is. "It wounds my pride, but I've pondered this question before. And my answer to the question, in my opinion, is Cherche. As my retainer I'm sure she'd try it at least once!"

Kellam is also ready to give an answer. "Tiki again for me. She'd probably give you the sweetest smile while she was doing that for you."

"…"

"Lon'qu, you're no fun. Don't you think about this stuff at all?" Gaius complains, and he shakes his head in annoyance. "I shouldn't have even…"

"…Noire."

The entire room turns quiet in disbelief. Tharja, however, nearly jumps out of her hiding place in response to Lon'qu's answer, but she reminds herself that she's doing this for Robin's sake, so she stays quiet.

"Lon'qu actually had something to say about a woman! Nice answer. But I thought you hated…"

"I don't hate them. I fear them. There's a difference." Closing his eyes, Lon'qu continues, "even though I fear them… if you blindfolded me and Noire decided to…"

"Okay, that's all we ever need to hear from you again, you kinky myrmidon," Gaius laughs, and it takes him a few seconds to recompose himself. "Alrighty Chrom, your turn…"

Apparently Lon'qu isn't done speaking yet. "…I also change my first answer to Noire. She's a stunning woman…"

Gaius whistles to show that he's impressed with Lon'qu's answer. "You actually didn't give an answer to the first question, but I'll agree Noire's chest is pretty good. Top three for size that's for sure! She's normally quite mild and timid, but I wonder if she would be more enthusiastic if she was going through her 'Blood and Thunder' routine…"

 _I have to remember to hex Lon'qu for secretly lewding over my daughter…_ Tharja reminds herself.

"Anyway, Chrom?"

"Uh…" Chrom replies hesitantly, "I have to say Tharja again. Somehow that unique grin of hers would suit her very well while she was…"

 _Again?! Does he have some sort of weird fetish?!_

Tharja cannot understand what Chrom's obsession with her is. Sure, she's certainly a good looking woman, but he really has no other preferences?

Did he… forget that she is a Plegian, the enemy of Ylisse? To be honest, she shouldn't even _be_ a potential candidate because of this… shouldn't he care about something that significant?

"Once again, let's leave it at that," Gaius chuckles. "I think Chrom has a crush on somebody! Although it's not fun for us if you keep picking the same person."

"I won't confirm or deny anything," Chrom jokes, "but Tharja interests me. Is that a crime?"

"No, it's not. It just leads to boring responses," Gaius explains, and he smiles. "What about you Bubbles? You can't pick Cordelia for this one, don't forget."

"I wouldn't have picked her anyway, but…"

Tharja crosses her fingers. Maybe this is the time that he'll…

"I'd have to say… Aversa. She's probably got Shadowgift markings all across her…"

 _Seriously? He picks the OTHER female dark magic user?_

"Woo, totally forgot about her! That rack is rocking!" Vaike proclaims quite loudly, and a couple of the other guys chuckle at his sudden declaration. "I'm still sticking with Maribelle, but Aversa would be my second choice!"

"Let's just move on," Gaius suggests, and he makes his needed notations in his secret book again. "This is an interesting one. Which girl is secretly packing?"

Nobody seems to understand what Gaius means, and Gaius sighs as he realizes he has to explain himself. "Let's just say… which girl do you think possesses extra hardware… down there?"

Virion's mouth drops. "You… you can't possibly think that…"

"This is all hypothetical Virion, I seriously doubt that anyone in the army actually has both guy _and_ girl parts. Remember, this all stays in this room," Gaius says again, but is obviously lying since he's writing down everything without anyone knowing. "It's just for fun. Me personally? I'm thinking Kjelle. I can't put my finger on it, but something about her gives me that impression. Virion?"

"I refuse to answer that question! What about you Vaike?"

"Wait a minute! Could… could this be the reason that Miriel refuses to wear anything but those body-concealing robes?" Vaike deduces, and bizarrely enough, his reasoning makes sense. "She said she was sick and couldn't go to the Hotrealms… could she have been faking, and the reason she didn't go was… because she was hiding her…"

Vaike now appears to regret every nice thing he said about Miriel earlier, and as he rubs his face into the table, Kellam blushes lightly as he answers: "I think… for some reason, I have to say Tiki again… but considering her personality, it's probably small and barely noticeable."

Gaius actually laughs out loud at Kellam's statement, although it's not entirely obvious at first as to why. He's all too eager to elaborate though: "Kellam… she's a Divine _Dragon_ , the heir next in line to become the Voice. Let's say for some bizarre reason, you're able to get a rare glimpse of Tiki naked while she's in her human form. I guarantee that if she's packing, she'll be endowed enough to put any man to shame… which of course includes everyone in this room, I'd like to add. It probably reaches _well_ above her belly-button at full mast."

Nobody is able to counter that sobering thought, so Gaius keeps speaking. "Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing."

"…"

"Uh, well said Lon'qu. I'll take that as your answer. You know, when you think about it, if Tiki was that… _gifted,_ then she would have no trouble sucking her own popsicle," Gaius says, and he grins devilishly. "She probably wraps it inside her own ample buxom to hold it in place, and then, when she can't wait any longer, she eagerly opens her mouth and…"

Robin clears his voice quite audibly in an attempt to stop Gaius from continuing his unorthodox fantasy. "Maybe… we should move on Gaius. I don't have an answer for this question, what about you Chrom?"

Tharja braces herself for Chrom's answer, considering that she's apparently the only person on his mind right now. _If he thinks that I'm packing a Falchion of my own, I'm gonna curse him right here, right now!_

"Nope, it's something I've never thought about before," Chrom laughs, and Tharja breathes a silent sigh of relief, and then catches herself. _Why was I worried about what Chrom thought? It doesn't matter what his opinion is! I'm here for Robin, Robin! Not Chrom!_

"You're right, I got carried away," Gaius chuckles, "but I fear that I have personally guaranteed that nobody in this room is gonna look at Tiki the same way again. Anyway, here's the next question: which woman would be the most dominant in bed? My answer is Severa. We'll start as usual with…"

"Sully."

"Sully."

"Sully."

"…Sully."

"Sully."

"Sully."

 _Oh, there's no other answer than Sully…_ Tharja thinks to herself, silently chuckling.

"Huh. Well, that was no fun," Gaius laughs, and he scribbles something out of his notebook. "Apparently I'm the odd one out. Maybe we'll try it this way then: which woman would you _want_ to dominate you in bed? My answer is Severa again. She'll go tell you to stab yourself, and then without warning she'd force herself onto you and give you the night of your life. Guaranteed success, as far as I can tell. Vaike?"

"Oh please, the only real answer is Flavia," Vaike replies confidently. "She'd totally be a firecracker in the bedroom."

Virion seems to hesitate before he gives his answer. "I'd… actually wish it to be Sully. She'd take total control of course, but she'd do it with such confidence that you wouldn't even feel emasculated by her actions."

"Um, wouldn't it be the other way around?"

"It all depends on your confidence as a man, my dear Kellam!" Virion explains thoughtfully, and he gives the knight a pat on the back. "Sully acts like a man for the most part during her everyday life, so I'd like to have the rare privilege of seeing her let loose and show off her womanly side!"

"Or, it's possible that she could be hiding her own personal lance that she'd use to make you show off the hidden womanly side _you_ never knew you had!" Gaius comments, chuckling at his own joke, and Vaike actually laughs along with him. Virion, meanwhile, lays his face on the table and groans audibly at the implications of said joke on the extremely slim chance that it could actually be true. "Anyway, Kellam, Lon'qu, do you guys have an answer?"

"Um, Robin intrigued me at the mention of Aversa, and after thinking about it, that would be my answer."

"…"

Despite Lon'qu's hesitancy to speak, it appears that he actually wants to make a statement. The rest of the guys (except for Virion, who's still groaning) lean in closer to encourage him to speak.

"I'd… have to say Noire again…"

Tharja nearly gives up her hiding spot at hearing her daughter's name again. _What is his obsession with her?_

"Normally I'd be afraid of her if she was in the vicinity," Lon'qu explains, "but I think I could suppress my fear if she gave me the 'shock treatment' so to speak. If she blindfolded and tied me into the bed before she…"

"So now that we've discovered Lon'qu's secret fetishes of being dominated, I don't think we need to ask him too much more," Gaius concludes, and he makes notes in his notebook. Lon'qu, meanwhile only just seems to realize what he said, and he hides his head behind his hands, groaning not unlike Virion is doing right now. "Chrom, who do you want to dominate you? This is a very serious and important question!"

At hearing Gaius' last sentence, Robin snickers before Chrom can answer. "He's probably gonna pick Tharja again! I'm sure she'd lure you in with the chance of pleasure… before hexing Falchion out of existence!"

As the men in the room start to laugh at Robin's comment, Tharja frowns at his response. Had it been anyone other than Robin, Tharja would have been so angry she may have hexed them right there. However, with Robin saying such a baseless comment, and from him never even mentioning her as one of his choices for the other activities, Tharja is instead beginning to get confused about her feelings for him. _Does he… really feel that way?_

Little does Tharja notice that Chrom did not laugh at Robin's joke. In fact, his eyes are actually narrowed in anger. "That was uncalled for, Robin. Don't ever say that again."

Chrom's sudden interjection makes Tharja perk up in response.

No one else in the room was willing to stand up for her…

"It was just a joke, Chrom."

"That is a very rude assumption to make about her," Chrom says to his best friend. He crosses his arms in indignation. "Sure, she doesn't have a meek personality. But I have a feeling that given the right _circumstances_ , she can be very mild. For that reason I wouldn't pick her. I honestly don't believe she would be the dominant one in a situation like that."

"Well, this night is all about lewd daydreams, not realities," Gaius reminds everyone, and he clears his throat. "You really think that Lon'qu has any chance of fulfilling his perverted fantasies? I understand where you're coming from Chrom, but this is for fun. Pick who you honestly would want. If it's Tharja again, that's fine. If you pick someone else, that's fine too."

"I know from experience that Tharja is _not_ someone you should get involved with," Robin warns, and he crosses his arms in confidence. "She's a stalker."

"Did you ever ask why she stalks you?"

"Why the hell would I? I try to stay as far away from her as possible." At this point, Robin looks at Chrom with serious intent. "Not to mention that she's extremely cold to other people. I don't know if she really has any redeemable qualities. Trust me, Chrom. _Don't_ get involved with a woman like her."

Listening to Robin's harsh words is hurting Tharja more than she would ever admit. She knows that yes, she stalks Robin, and her treatment of other people in conversation probably could be improved if she wanted to put the effort in, but even _she_ wouldn't stoop so low as to badmouth someone behind their back. If she has a problem with someone, she'll tell them outright. It may be rude, but at least she can't be accused of secretly saying bad things about other people. And yet, here is the one she loves, bad-mouthing her and implying that she has no good qualities. And worse yet, he won't even say these words to her face.

In fact, for the first time in her life, at hearing Robin's brutally honest assessment of her, Tharja's heart begins to hurt.

 _What did I… ever see in him? Why do… no, why DID I love him in the first place? If I had known he was so…_

Chrom's next words shake Tharja out of her own thoughts. "Have you ever thought that perhaps there may be a reason _why_ she's so cold to other people? All we really know about her is that she's a Plegian dark mage. Maybe she had a bad upbringing. Maybe she never knew her parents. Maybe she never learned proper social skills. If that's the case, do you really have any basis for insulting her like that?"

Chrom shakes his head. "In any case, I'd appreciate it if you stopped saying bad things about her, and show her some respect."

Robin laughs sarcastically at Chrom's comment. "Respect? You explicitly mentioned that you want to thrust Falchion in between her large breasts!"

"He's got a point there…" Kellam mentions quietly. He looks hesitant to speak, and he takes a sip of beer to strengthen his nerves. "At the end of the day, you certainly seem very interested in her… body."

Even Tharja has to reluctantly agree with Kellam's statement.

"Well, unfortunately I don't have much other basis to go by," Chrom says, laughing. "She's shrugged off any attempt I've made to talk to her outside of direct orders." He then develops a melancholy look in his eyes. "I just figured… what she's going through or went through in the past must have truly affected her to a large degree if she doesn't wish to speak to me. Maybe she was abused by an Ylissian man in the past. I want to develop close relationships with everyone in the army, so until she gives me that chance, I'll keep trying. I feel with a bit of refining to her personality, she's probably a very interesting individual."

Listening to Chrom's honest thoughts stirs something in Tharja's heart. She is unsure what it is at first, but then she eventually figures it out: guilt. Guilt is eating away at her. Here is Chrom, simply trying his best to be a _friend_ for her out of the goodness of his heart, and like he said, she coldly turned him aside every time.

She lowers her eyes in shame. Robin was right. She _isn't_ a good person.

But maybe, just maybe… she can start to make a change. It will take time, but she can eventually improve herself, perhaps a little bit.

And the first step on the road to improving herself is to willing allow herself to let others into her life, the first of these being Chrom.

The first person in her life to ever give a damn.

 _Thank you, Chrom…_

"Well, I must say that was very well said," Gaius comments, and the rest of the table, except for Robin, nod their heads in agreement. "We can discuss this later on, though. So, the next question is…"

"Sorry I took so long," a voice calls from the hallway, and Frederick has finally returned, bringing snacks for the entire table. Specifically, cheese with crackers, as well as delicately sliced meat. It looks quite delicious. "It took forever to find cheese that I could cut properly."

"Well, we sincerely appreciate the food, but you missed out on some good stuff," Gaius says, and he pops a slice of meat into his mouth. "We'll fill you in on what happened later. The last question we were discussing is which girl you would want to dominate you in bed. But I doubt you'll answer since…"

"Oh, well that's easy to answer," Frederick states matter-of-factly, and he coughs into his hand. "There is no other woman I would want to dominate me in bed other than Emmeryn. To see my liege moaning with such ecstasy as she pins me down and eagerly impales herself on my…"

"Gods Frederick!" Chrom shouts, and he smashes his beer mug onto the table loudly, spilling most of it out. "First Lissa, and now Emmeryn? And you wish for her to…"

As Chrom imagines Frederick's vivid fantasy, envisioning his pure and chaste sister, the _ruler_ of the country no less, doing such lewd things, all of the colour drains from his face. "Frederick… why…"

"Here's another one Freddy Bear," Gaius now cuts in, cutting Chrom's agonizing short. "Who would you want to suck your popsicle?"

"I feel that you are insulting my intelligence with such simple questions, Gaius," Frederick says, and he takes a few seconds to wipe some dust off of the table before answering. "That would be Lucina. To have the Brand of my wonderful nation of Ylisse gleaming so brightly out of her eye as she licks her lips and…"

"FREDERICK! Gods, what's wrong with you?!"

Understandably, Chrom has had enough of listening to Frederick's naughty opinions, and he looks like he wants to strangle his head retainer. "First Lissa, then Emmeryn, and now my pure, innocent daughter? Please remind me to reassign you to other duties other than bodyguard in the future."

"My liege, I will make sure to remind you within the next few days," Frederick promises, and he accompanies said promise with a respectful bow towards Chrom, clearly not understanding Chrom's intentions. "On a more important note, Gaius, what else did I miss?"

"Gaius, if you mention anything to do with 'packing', I will fire you instantly," Chrom says, making sure that he can stop the madness before Frederick admits something that he certainly will not want to hear. Gaius, taking the hint, keeps silent. "Thank you for understanding. Frederick, weren't you supposed to be here to make sure things didn't get out of hand? What happened to not taking part in tonight's debauchery?"

The knight narrows his eyes as he comes up with an answer. "Oh. I forgot about that. It turns out that I was able to fit right in tonight."

"I… think I've had enough," Chrom says haggardly, and he appears to be mentally fatigued. "This was a lot more interesting than I expected, but next time, Frederick, I forbid you to join us."

"'Tis a shame, but I'll obey your wishes," Frederick replies and, with another bow, takes his leave. Chrom sighs in relief, and Gaius claps his hands a couple of times.

"Well, the first official meeting of The Hot Girl's Club has been a success," Gaius declares, and he smirks in excitement. "I'll have to come up with some better questions for next time, though. Feel free to come up with your own questions too guys!"

Tharja takes this as her cue to get out before she's noticed, and as if she was never there, she disappears into the shadows from whence she came. When she gets back to her tent later on, she thinks about what happened concerning Robin, and especially Chrom.

Robin basically admitted that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. Chrom, on the other hand, wishes to get to know her better.

Maybe… it's time to try something different.

So Tharja vows to herself that the next time she sees Chrom, she will try her hardest to have a legitimate conversation with him.

It's the least she can do after he stuck up for her so fiercely tonight.

* * *

Tharja's chance comes the next day. When she sees Chrom walking towards her, her first instinct is to give him a cold glare and try to intimidate him enough that he won't engage her.

But she then remembers the promise she made to herself the previous day, and she tries her best to replace said glare with a smile. Unfortunately, it turns into her trademark creepy grin instead.

Fortunately, Chrom is more than happy with the fact that she isn't trying to get him to leave right away. Her grin may be strange, but Chrom sees it as an honest gesture on her part. "Tharja! Well, this is a surprise. Normally by now you're staring into my soul with a glare as cold as ice. To see you not doing that is really nice of you."

"Huh. Is it." Despite her efforts to not push Chrom away, her bad personality that Robin said she has is still coming out strong. It takes a huge effort on her part to not speak sarcastically, and she takes a deep breath to hopefully help her speak more genuinely. "Listen… I've kind of been giving you the cold shoulder. Well, not just you… everybody, I guess. I'd like to… start over, if that's possible. At least with you, anyway."

Chrom is incredulous that Tharja is saying such things to him, and it warms his heart that she's making an honest effort to improve herself. He doesn't seem to be making any connection between her sudden change in attitude and the things he spoke about concerning her yesterday. "Of course we can, Tharja. Actually, I have a lot of paperwork to get done today, though, so that will have to wait," Chrom admits, and he scratches his chin as he thinks of a suitable solution. He hits his hand into his fist when he figures out an alternative. "Let's grab lunch at that new restaurant tomorrow. I heard the food's amazing. And there we can talk. I… must admit I'm a little curious about your upbringing, considering you were born in Plegia. Maybe associating together will help us understand each other more."

Now, Chrom is a bit of an oblivious person. To anyone else watching, it looks like he just asked Tharja out on a date. But he doesn't seem to view it that way. Tharja seems to understand this, and she laughs creepily into her hand. "I accept your proposal. I look forward to you buying me something delicious."

"Thank you," Chrom says, and he bows to Tharja respectfully before he takes his leave.

 _You know…_ Tharja thinks to herself, smiling, _I think… that I'm actually going to enjoy what tomorrow's going to bring for me…_

* * *

EPILOGUE

Gaius continued to hold a few more meetings until he suddenly disbanded the club for no reason. After he sold every single piece of information and gossip he collected to all of the women in the army, he was able to retire and live out his days with Severa, who eventually became his wife, in the outskirts of southern Ylisse.

Despite his misgivings, Vaike decided to pursue a relationship with Miriel. His decision paid off; they eventually married. He constantly bragged to his friends and children that his wife was the most beautiful _fully female_ woman in the world.

Virion tried his hand at wooing Sully, and it eventually led to them developing a relationship and later marrying. Virion was happy to report that despite Sully's still somewhat manly personality, he didn't feel emasculated by her in the slightest. In fact, having kids helped Sully develop a small feminine side to complement her dominant personality.

Kellam worked up the courage to ask Tiki out on a date, and despite the fact that he was a mere mortal human, she was more than happy to accept his offer, and their relationship eventually upgraded when Tiki accepted the privilege of becoming his wife. They had many children together. None of the men ever asked if Tiki was more "equipped" than a normal woman, and Kellam never divulged anything about it to anyone, (because… why would anyone ever bring that up in conversation?…) so to this day the mystery of whether Tiki was packing or not would forever remain a mystery.

Lon'qu asked Noire to help him overcome his fear of women using the "shock treatment" method he had implied about. When he explained what he thought was best, Noire went into her "Blood and Thunder" routine in anger… before unknowingly fulfilling every single one of his perverted fantasies all in the span of a night. This, of course, led to Lon'qu becoming mostly cured of his fear, which in turn led to him eventually asking her to become his wife.

Robin died alone. Pathetically and utterly alone.

Frederick, stating it was part of his "duty" to protect the women of the Ylissian royal family, would constantly accompany Lissa, Emmeryn, and Lucina to the Hotrealms and act as their, er, bodyguard as they made sandcastles, suntanned, (in _all_ positions, of course, and he insisted on always applying the sunscreen for them regardless on where they needed it) and played in the water, much to the chagrin of Chrom. When he eventually married Emmeryn, Chrom was already coronated into the ranks as the next Exalt, so Frederick and Emmeryn could simply live out the rest of their lives in the castle. It was to Chrom's deep disappointment that once Emmeryn no longer had an image to uphold, her _true self_ came to fruition, and she regularly fulfilled all of Frederick's lewd fantasies with enough enthusiasm to put a prostitute to shame.

Tharja slowly began to learn how to become a more sociable person. She still maintained her cold front to those she wasn't close to, but little by little she started to not be afraid of growing closer to others. She even began to make friends with others in the army. Chrom's interest in Tharja grew as the two of them learned more about each other over the next months, and when Tharja finally revealed her dark and loveless past to him, over a year after they became friends, he promised to try and help her live the rest of her life in happiness… which he proclaimed was only possible as her husband, even though he was a Ylissian and she was a Plegian.

She happily accepted his offer.

And so, thanks to The Hot Girls Club, the two of them lived the rest of their days in happiness…

…and of course, the rest of their nights in steamy lewdness.

THE END

* * *

Author's Notes

Well, that was fun! Honestly, this fic certainly has little to do with romance, but it was still a ton of fun to write. I got a lot of pressure from Cormag Ravenstaff and Hammerschlag in the recent past to write a lemon fic, but it's just something that I'm never going to do. So, me writing this slightly (well, more than slightly) lewder fic is my compromise to them. Though I'm sure that they're compromising a lot more than I am. :p

I've certainly got a ton of fetishes going on in this fic! It just made the fic more fun in my opinion to have the guys all have different opinions on what they liked. I purposely picked this specific cast for their contrasting personalities, though some of them I didn't use just because I don't really care for them. I decided also to have it best none of the male children characters be a part of the club. I really don't like the children character concept that much to be honest. Other than FE4, children characters are mostly just cliches and exaggerated personalities. Maybe FE16 and beyond will eventually fix this problem though… hopefully!

My original plan was to finish A Glimmer of Hope as my last upload before retiring, but I ended up writing this fic instead! Did you guys like this deviation of mine? I know this fic is going to get WAY less exposure because this is an M-rated fic, so if you guys want to review the fic, that would be really nice of all of you! Please just make sure to sign into your account before reviewing, or I'll delete it.

Well, this is officially my final one-shot before retiring from Fanfiction. It's been fun guys! Your support over the years has been wonderful. Thank you so much for reading my fics! On that note, then, I'll see you for the last time in the final chapter of A Glimmer of Hope!


End file.
